Bottom 10: Lost weekend in Florida

  • Ryan McGee, ESPN Elder WriterNov 13, 2024, 11:40 AM ET Close Senior writer for ESPN The Magazine and ESPN.com
  • 2-time Sports Emmy winner
  • 2010, 2014 NMPA Writer of the Year

Inspiring thought of the week:

“Truthfully, when we lose, I do not even get in the shower until early this morning. I’ll just seethe. I simply brush my teeth. It resembles, I don’t should have soap.”
Syracuse head coach Fran Brown

Here at Bottom 10 Head office, situated behind the “sorry, not sorry” bouquet of water hemlocks sent out to the Huge 12 officiating office from Utah athletic director Mark Harlan, we understand all too well the sting of losing football games. We see it weekly in every game we watch.Yeah, yeah, we know what you’re thinking. “Begin, dummy, somebody loses every game that anybody watches.” That’s true. At least now it is. We are likewise old sufficient to remember when games ended in ties. That was way worse.But here in

the Bottom 10 Cinematic Universe, losses are worse since that’s all you experience. You ‘d believe we ‘d get used to it, numb from the discomfort like when you keep mistakenly biting that very same area on your tongue to the point that it simply ends up being sensory free. But instead, it’s like Bruce Banner explained about being the Hulk: “You see, I don’t get a fit of armor. I’m exposed. Like a nerve. It’s a headache.”

However, as we learned in “Age of Ultron,” even after among his worst losses, Bruce Banner does take a shower. So, Coach Brown, take it from us, in a world where every group has a helluva lot more losses than Syracuse … dude, wash up. Seriously. We can smell you from here. And we’re in Kent, Ohio.With apologies

to Mr. Clean, previous Miami (Ohio) quarterback Mike Bath, former Southern Illinois running back Wash Henry and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 11 Bottom 10 rankings.

The Golden(plated)Flashes are still America’s last winless FBS group, losing their 18th straight game when they were edged by Ohio 41-0. Now they take a trip to My Hammy of Ohio, where they are provided a 2.8% possibility to win by the ESPN Analytics Ouija board, er, I indicate Matchup Predictor. However truthfully, that game will only be the appetiser ahead of the, yes, Week 13 main course that is the Wagon Wheel showdown with Akronmonious. And by appetiser we indicate way-past-the-expiration-date freezer-burned mini-pizza bagels.

The New Owls not just used their talons to nab defeat from the jaws of triumph at UTEP, losing in double overtime, they made Bottom 10 Bonus offer Points for firing their head coach– and during their very first year as an FBS team, no less. Though the AD issued a statement that Brian Bohannon had “stepped down,” Bohannon himself reacted on social media: “Contrary to what’s been reported, I wish to be clear that I did not step down.” However there is no confusion regarding whether the Owls have stepped up or down in these rankings, where every go up is also a relocation down.

Brett Favre Financing U. lost to We Are Marshall 37-3, indicating all eight of their beats this season have actually been by double digits. In related news, I also got double digit political texts on Election Day– and among those was from Favre. No, for real. I wonder, did he cover the information charges himself or did he steal change from the donation jar at his grocery store checkout?

Sometimes in this life we are asked to do things that break the fiber of our being. Like taking your daughter to the concert of an artist you have actually never ever heard of. Or me needing to use Earth’s a lot of annoying instrument, the leaf blower. This weekend this group of Minutemen will be asked to try to defeat Liberty.5.

The Sunlight State

Mario Cristobal’s Miami Hurricanes suffered their first loss of the season, falling to Georgia Tech. Todd Kirkland/Getty Images

The Coveted Fifth Spot has actually never been more congested. The FBS, FCS and NFL groups of Florida posted a 1-11 record over the weekend, salvaged just by the Miami Dolphins’ win over the Los Angeles Rams on “Monday Night Football.” UC(not S)F, United States(not C)F, FA(not I)U, Stetson, Florida A&M and Bethune-Cookman all lost, led in misery by the Wildcats’ five-overtime loss to Southern. The Flori-duh Gate Doors celebrated the announced keeping of coach Billy Napier by losing to Texas in a squeaker 49-17. And My Hammy of Florida lastly found an opponent a lead too big for a Web cam Ward return and took its very first loss of the season, falling to unranked Georgia Tech. If only someone else in the state might connect to that …

The Semi-No’s are continuing to work around the Coveted Fifth Area by making their Bottom 10 keep the old-fashioned way, not only losing to semi/sorta/kinda ACC member Notre Dame by a little 52-3, however likewise making a stack of their own Bottom 10 Benefit Points not by shooting head coach Mike Norvell, but since Norvell fired both his offensive and protective organizers and a pass receivers coach. In related news, over the weekend a friend of mine steered his bass boat into a giant stack of sharp rocks and reacted by tossing his t-shirt and hat overboard.

It was 3 weekends ago that the Buttermakers lost to then-second-ranked Oregon 35-0. On Saturday, they lost to then-second-ranked Ohio State 45-0. Now they play sixth-ranked Penn State, and in 2 weeks end their season playing currently eighth-ranked Indiana. We have to assume that a team of teachers from Purdue’s famous mechanical engineering department is studying this experience as a method to examine the tension placed on a school bus that is attempting to drive over a lava field covered in landmines.

The Minors have a weekend off to continue their post-Kennesaw victory celebration. And what’s the best way to snap yourself out of a two-week hangover? Hair of the canine? A cold pail of water over the head? How about the hair of a coontick hound and a pail of water from the river throughout a Week 13 journey to Neyland Arena to play Tennessee?

Whatever is left of UTEP after Knoxville will then play whatever is left of the Other Aggies after their Week 12 journey to deal with the OG Aggies of Texas A&M. If there’s any justice in this world, then the loser and/or winner of that Aggie Bowl would go on to play …

The Other Aggies lost to the one-loss team the nation forgot about, Warshington State. However if you think about the week before that, we discover a Bottom 10 conundrum. Utah State beat WhyOMGing? however the week before that lost to Whew Mexico by five points. On the other hand, Wyoming, who lost to Utah State two weeks earlier, spent last weekend beating New Mexico by five points. Possibly we will be given some clarity when Wyoming ends the year at Washington State. Or maybe we will have already given up. As so many here in the Bottom 10 appear to do.Waiting list: Miss Sus Hippie State, Georgia State Not Southern, FA( not I)U, Akronmonious, Meh-dle Tennessee, WhyOMGing?, Temple of Doom, Residing On Tulsa Time, You A Bee?, Standfird, individuals who put all those election signs up today won’t take them down.

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